Practical Jobs for Movie Monsters

Got an axe wielding maniac that you just can’t get rid of no matter how many times you try? What about a ghost or demon that doesn’t really exist in the physical realm and you can’t destroy? Put those monsters to work! With Monster Job Monster: the job search engine for Monsters! We specialize in finding the perfect work opportunity for your pesky nuisance that is guaranteed to keep them not only preoccupied, but also allowing them to feel satisfied in their work. Here at Monster Job Monster, we work with each individual case to help find the perfect solution for everyone involved. Just look at some of our clients:

Case File: Michael Myers

Attributes: 

Can’t die; (even though he’s supposed to be just a regular human) ability to find people anywhere in the world even when under alias’ and/or disguises; able to travel great distances on foot while still appearing to just be walking.

Recommended Occupation: Bounty Hunter

As demonstrated throughout the Halloween series, Michael Myers is able to get to anyone. So why not use those skills to bring criminals to justice? Is there a highly violent serial murderer out on the loose? Not to worry! With his inability to be killed, Michael is your man. Say goodbye to cops being killed in the line of duty! Got a crime boss that skipped bail and fled to the Cayman Islands? Michael can find him in an inexplicably short amount of time.

Take that Dog the Bounty Hunter!

Possible downside to employment:   

There is the possibility that rather than just apprehending the suspect Michael may brutally murder him instead, plus all those all around him. But that could be a plus when realizing that Michael could not only eliminate your suspect but also all known accomplices. Just make sure you know for a fact your suspect is guilty.

Case File: Freddy Kruger

Attributes: 

Able to invade people’s dreams and manipulate them.

Recommended Occupation: Narcolepsy therapist

It can be really difficult when you are afflicted with narcolepsy. Trying to go about your day and then suddenly out of nowhere, you’re out like a light.  Using Freddy Kruger’s patented method he’ll make sure you never fall asleep unexpectedly again! Or ever for that matter! You’ll be so terrified to fall asleep that you’ll do anything to prevent it.

Think of all you can do in your new found time!

Possible downside to employment: 

Narcolepsy may turn into Insomnia; over treatment can and will result in death, usually by a horrific dream where you are murdered in an ironic fashion; being called “Bitch” a lot.

Best to have thick skin for this.

Case File: Samara

Attributes: 

Able to transport through any television; murder people regardless of their location; moderate phone communication skills.

Recommended Occupation: Executioner

Moral implications of the death penalty aside, it can be pretty costly to put criminals to death. Large electric bills, expensive gas and needles are one use only! So why not use a renewable resource with minimal equipment? Simply place the condemned in a room with a working television, VCR and phone. Insert the tape and have the condemned watch it. After the viewing he or she will get their notification that they life will terminate in 7 days. Then wait. On the 7^th day, simply wheel that same television in their cell, (the television doesn’t even need to be plugged in!) and allow Samara to dispose of your criminal with minimum fuss. 

Justice has been served!

Did you security guard accidentally see the tape? Not to worry! Because by the tape’s own rules, showing the tape to someone else immediately exonerates you from the 7 day death agreement.

Possible downside to employment: 

Mild flooding.

Case File: Jason Voorhees

Attributes: 

Can’t die; (already dead) strong territorial and moral personality traits.

Recommended Occupation: Wildlife Reserve Ranger

While organizations like the WWF and PETA have come a long way in protecting animals, there are still many on the endangered list and poachers still exist. Wildlife reserves can’t have people everywhere; there will always be weak links for criminals to exploit them. Solution: Camp Crystal Lake Wildlife Reserve! Jason’s demonstrated skills have proven 100% effective in dealing with intruders on his territory. While it is true that there have been survivors from time to time, they sure as shit won’t be coming back to his camp again! Simply fill Crystal Lake with all endangered animals and just sit back as they thrive under the watchful eye of their silent protector! 

Pictured: Animal cruelty prevention

Jason could eventually become a spokesperson for PETA!

Most effective campaign ever!